About Me

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Hi, I am me... I am a mom with a great sense of humor, a kind heart, a giving spirit, a desire to please, and enough strength to keep on going even when life knocks me down... I am me... : )

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

Today I am hoping that everyone has a very blessed Thanksgiving. I hope we can all reflect today on all of our blessing and about how much we have to be thankful for. While I have struggled alot this last year, I have SOOOO much to be thankful for. I am thankful first and foremost for Gods mercy and grace and the fact that He love me so much He sent His son to die for me, I am thankful for my family and friends, for my 6 wonderful children, that God has kept them healthy!! I am thankful that while we do not yet have our own home we do have somewhere to stay. We have food to eat, the truck is running, and a place to lay our heads. Compared to many in other countries I am rich.... Lord please help me remember to be thankful more often.


Friday, September 24, 2010

I don't understand

We have been living at what is called Main Street Ministries for what 5 months now. On the 4Th of September they called me down to the office to have a meeting... Well this meeting was to tell me how I am just not doing enough and me being homeless is not enough of a reason to have a home there. Well this is why I moved in. They asked that I go to something called Celebrate Recovery, which I did every time I did not have to work Sunday evening. Besides being homeless, I had nothing else to share.

This I suppose is what ended up being the problem as I had no drug, alcohol, relationship, or other type of problem to share therefore I just was not putting enough into it. I was also told that I am just too self sufficient, WOW when did that become a problem. I managed my money, paid my bills, feed my kids, clothed my kids, saved money to fix car problems. I thought that do these sort of things was a good thing.

I guess what I should have done is went down to the food bank at every opportunity, went to clothing closet every week, begged for rides in their vehicles somewhere and not managed at all oh and made up and lied about big problem that I DON'T have so that they could perhaps then FIX me. The people running it have nit picked and completely made up lies about me in order to justify their actions I suppose.

1. I did not switch around my work hours to avoid the lesson not at Celebrate Recovery I would have had to ask for a change or work hours the month prior to them asking me to even go and that was before I knew I had to go or what it was about. 2. Ummm if allow the lesson book to close while watching the video at the bible study that does not mean I am not paying attention, I just will keep reading if a book is open in front of me and thought I should pay attention to the video, silly me. and number 3. being homeless with 6 kids is a BIG problem, how can someone think that is NOT enough of a problem.

WOW perhaps I am just too sensitive. But then what really gets to me is that they run around to other people in the building talking about me. I guess they told the new girl who just moved in not to listen to anything I say cause I just think they are wrong in making me move out. Frankly, I did not say anything and had no intention of saying anything, until the cult like behaviour and strong suggestions of have no outside life and all the control issues made her start questioning what the heck was going on.

The one that offended me the most had nothing to do with me but telling women who entered their program who are married should not ummmmmm sleep with their own husbands. That it was empowering to live as a single person, and to just focus on themselves and their lives within the building. Also that they want them to get totally away from their past lives and just focus on the activites and stuff with in the building. Hmmmm this one seemed a little bit off to me, but I remember I am just mad cause they are making me move so my point of view could be flawed.

Also it would have been so nice if they could have mentioned this before I spent money enrolling children in school, and paying for P.E. uniforms, yearbooks, driver education, etc.. Now the other big fun thing in my life is I am off work with no pay so have no way to even pay to get into a house. And it does not look like I can get into the doctor until Oct 15Th to find out if I can do the job to its description or if I will be no longer working at my job. So the soonest I may have any paycheck is the beginning of Nov. But hey I will just move right out right now...

So anyway prayers would be fantastic for me, my 6 kids, as well as the other women in the building who have no where else to be and who are being threatened with homelessness if they should have a light on after 11 pm or heaven forbid become any sort of self sufficient.


Saturday, July 24, 2010

My Grandmother

Memorial service slide show

My Grandmother Shirley Ann Bergquist Scherf passed away May 29, 2010. I had tried to get out to California before she passed away I had even moved my flight back a week, but due to airline problems and other things, I did not make it until about 10 minutes after she had passed. This nearly ripped my heart out.

I got to the hospital. I brushed her hair and smoothed it. My grandma had always used to let me brush her hair when I was little. I sat with her and cried. That's putting mildly I wept, I ached, I really felt my hear break, I needed her back. I felt unable to leave her room. My mom and I stood there holding her hands and weeping. After making sure she was tucked in her blanket, she did not like to be cold, and smoothing her hair one last time, we left the room. Leaving that hospital felt like I was abandoning my grandmother.

We stayed at her home while we were in California. It was so odd as I kept waiting for her to be there. I went out and sat in her beautiful yard. She loved her yard. I am so glad that my grandmother got spring. She so love her yard she had so many iris and she got to see them bloom. I am also glad she was able to stay in her own home until just 1 week before she passed away. She loved her home and worked so hard to get it to how she had it. She never let others just do the work she worked harder then anyone I know!

My grandmother was like a second mother to me. So many of my good memories from childhood are tied up in her. She wanted the best for all of her children and her grandchildren. She was the most giving person ever. I heard storied from people while they were there about how wonderful she was. I did not need to hear them I already KNEW, but I am glad that others new as well.

Grandma you are missed more then you could have ever imagined. I love you!

I will post her obituary here now. I will also post pictures of my trip to California in a another post. Also really quick as a note Amazing Grace the Chris Tomlin version was played and sung at the memorial service by my very talented cousin Tim Waldvogel.

Shirley Ann Scherf May 25, 1936 – May 29, 2010 POSTED June 2, 2010 2:48 a.m. Shirley Ann Scherf was born May 25, 1936 in Isle, Minnesota to Forrest and Ellen Bergquist. Shirley was employed for over 25 years at San Joaquin County Social Services, she attended St. Paul’s Methodist Church in Manteca, Ca, and she was involved with the Manteca’s Red Hat Society, volunteered for the Nearly New Shop. She was a member of the St. Paul’s Methodist Wranglers, a Den mother for Cub Scout Pack 432, and PTA and sang in the Stockton choral and was involved with various community services over the last fifty one years. Shirley is preceded in death by her parents Forrest and Ellen Bergquist and her niece LuAnn Sawatsky, she is survived by her daughters, Gail Mathes of Sterling, Ks, Julie Moorman of Hutchinson, KS, son, Brian Waldvogel of Manteca, Ca, and brother, Forrest Bergquist of Isle Minnesota. She is survived by nine grandchildren, Amy, Windi, Jennifer, Christopher, David, Mark-John, all of Kansas and James, Brandi, Tim and Codi in Manteca, Ca, thirteen great-grandchildren, Madison, Gabriella, Lilyan, Nathan, Jonathon, David, Katelynn, Andrew, Elijah, Joseph, Malea, Jadeyn, and Shayla, she is survived by her niece Jill Bergquist and nephew Gordon Bergquist. A memorial service will be held on Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 11 a.m. at the St. Paul’s Methodist Church 910 E. North St., Manteca, Ca. Contributions may be made to St. Paul’s Methodist Church in Manteca in her memory. Arrangements are by the Neptune Society of Northern Ca-Stockton Branch. Manteca (Calif.) Bulletin Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Friday, July 23, 2010

My Grandmothers home and memorial

My soon to be cousin Sadie made this for my grandmothers memorial.
My cousin Tim singing Amazing Grace at the memorial.
My grandmas yard
more of her yard
in the backyard
my Grandmothers home
One of her Iris
front porch sitting

her family room


okay I have not been so good about posting, LOL....I am sure people noticed.... My kids are with their dad this weekend...So I am thinking I will have time to sit down and work through my thoughts and experiences and post.. I hope everyone has a fantastic day.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

We have new puppies

We have new schnauzer puppies that will be available in a few weeks.. Please visit my Amore Schnauzer pages for more information..The link is on the right upper side of this page.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Faith in God

When all of this started awhile back I was afraid and scared and worried about making mistakes that would scar my children. The Lord as always has been faithful in all things and his timing is immpeccable. Over three weeks ago I recieved a notice of eviction from Fannie Mae.

The short version of a long story is this 2 years ago my husband Tony and I were offered a house to even buy by some one in our church. It was in Hillsboro we had never lived here and knew no one but it had space enough for our 6 children and a fenced back yard. I grew to really enjoy this community. The people were friendly, the schools had and continue to do awesome work with my disabled son, and life seemed good.

Within the year things started turning. We found out that the woman we thought we could trust was not making the house payments and was just pocketing our 740.00 a month... The house was being foreclosed on. Then February of last year my husband of over 17 years left for someone who knew previously. Now I do not claim we had a bed of roses life...yes we had lots of struggles, but after 17 years and with 6 children ages 17 to 5 at the time, I did not see it coming. There were lies thrown out there that we agreed to do this before and then it was worse friends of his started spreading rumours to evne my church that I had cheated repeatedly on my husband.

That hurt badly, but through all that I have grown in my trust in God to take care of all my needs to be a husband to the widow and a father to the fatherless... that is how I saw my little family now.

And then back to the notice... We had been offered the chance to rent the house by Fannie Mae and then when they realized they already had lost money on this house and would have to repair things they evicted us. We were given 5 days to move out. My lawyers called them and they gave us 7 which is still not much time for a single mom of 6 who still has to keep working to try and take care of her children to move. We did not sleep the whole weekend, we moved things across the street into 3 storage units. Monday morning we had nmost stuff out of the house except my dining room table and few decorative items that I forgot and my microwave and then a few of our things in the backyard, my childrens sandbox, a fire pit, a couple of decorative items outside... When the realtor from McPherson showed up.

She refused to give me more time and even more said that in 45 min anything in the YARD even belonged to the bank. It was not enough that it was in the drive way and in the process being moved across the street. She wanted it sitting in the gutter. My neighbors let us just push the appliances into their yard and the rest we drug to the gutter. I now no longer own any of the things mentioned above. She insinuated that I had long enough like I had been warned and warned....excuse me 7 days is long enough?? And that this had to end.

So then as we are starting to drag stuff out of the gutter and into the storage units, one of the sheriffs deputies in all of his wisdom pulled me aside and insinuated that I should get rid of my dogs and then I might be able to put my kids first and afford to take care of my children. And that I was easlily spending 400 a month on pets.... UMMMM no never happend, I have small dogs, do my own grooming, and my vet gives me breaks on everything. Not to mention that my registered dogs and their litters of puppies ummm pretty much have paid for themselves.

I chose to say nothing as I figured that the amount of anger I had at that moment might not come out well and seeing their mother arrested after pouring out her outrage would not help my kids at that moment. And frankly none of this was about me not having money. That was never the problem. My neighbor bless his heart started in on how it is not my fault and the one who should be in trouble is the woman who did this to me by pocketing my money, the other deputy who had delt with her before on other stuff did agree.

Anyway so for nearly the past 3 weeks my children and I have been homeless. The first two nights the Hillsboro ministarial group put us up in a hotel, which was fabulous. You never know how good a bed feels until you have not slept for 3 days and also no longer have a bed. LOL!! Then we camped for a couple of nights the weather was good. The kids were with their dad for the next 4 and I just picked them up for school. Then we stayed with a friend and then they were with their dad and then their dad again and then a hotel etc and so forth.

Every night God has provided a place for my children that is safe and comfortable. They are still in their schools and clean and fed. People in Hillsboro, have searched and helped us. Many have offered us places to stay over night. Buisnesses have given me breaks and discounts. I have been blessed by Hillsboros generousity.

I prefer to have a plan not a down to the minute sort, but at least know we have a roof over our heads. In the last 2+ weeks I had cried, I have been exhausted, I have been angry, I have been worried.... And then I realized something...God has not left us. Each night we had a place to be. I am able to make it to work. The kids are okay. We spent some nice days at the lake, mornings watching the fish jump and splash, sitting by the lake in the sun with my hair drying in the breeze. All of these silver linings.

And this morning I was thinking okay God. I can do this. With strength through you this works. The kids child support pays for the hotel 1 time a week. They are with their dad a number of times, camping on some days and my pay checks cover all the gas and food. We are okay God. And then a couple of hours later I recieved a call letting me know that a 4 bedroom apartment might be avaiable until June 1st. I am heading out right now to see about it I will let you know how it goes.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

I had posted about a month ago that I hoped soon to be able to post more like I used to. Well, we can see how well that is working out for me, LOL!!! Let me start by saying again that I believe God has plans for me and my children, good ones. I know He wants the best for us. I am however at a point of struggling to hang onto that. In the last year, my husband of nearly 18 years found someone else he wanted to be with so he jumped ship leaving our family.

His family all turned on me and even befriended this woman and apparently everyone is happy now. He then left the state and moved to California where she lived, and in that I had to cut my hours at work because my children were falling apart. Although he and she have moved here, leaving her kids behind in California until school is out, he is living where he can not have the kids over. But we were hanging in here.. They had been doing better as I was here when they got home and able to give them more hugs and love before I left for work. It was working....

We moved into this house 2 years ago and thought we were finally able to be settled then the woman who we thought we could trust never made a single payment with the 740 a month we paid her to live here, to be able to buy the house and the house was repossessed. Then the divorce thing... Well in September Freddie Mac offered to rent me the house.... I agreed thinking my children would be better staying here. So we waited and waited. The heater went out.... We had no heat, I called apparently the voice mail for the realtor handling the house was not working and she never got my message. So we wait and wait....

Finally I call again and she says oh I will get someone there. Well they come they say they fixed it, but it is not working. They come look at it again and say needs replaced..... I am informed they have to get other bids and permission from Freddie Mac to fix anything else...blah blah blah....long story short..a number of months go by. The coldest months of winter. I have space heaters going and the oven running 24/7 and huge over 600 dollar electric bills to try and keep my kids warm...

You might say why not move, well as a single mom of 6 who does not have a high paying job and who's now ex is not consistent on his child support and who is told repeatedly by everyone she calls about houses OH you can not fit 6 kids in a 3 bedroom you have to have at least 4 or 5 and I don't have anything. And unfortunately all of those lower income house apartments and things again only 3 bedrooms and I am told they can not have this many people in there. Well that's why.

So we were blessed by a group from here in town including the middle school principle, and others from the schools, a local realtor, and farmers. The realtor, bought a wood stove, the middle school principle and his family installed it, a farmer and another gentleman donated enough wood for the winter and a whole group stayed and cut it to the right size and stacked it. So my children were warm.

Eventually, Freddie Mac got a heater put in. I was then informed I think in February that Freddie Mac would have to test the house for any lead paint as I have 2 kiddos under 8. And then that is the last I heard of it until 2 weeks ago, when I was sent papers saying I was evicted. I called the lawyers for Freddie Mac and asked what on earth. I was told I did not cooperate with the realtor or allow them to list or show the house. I said ummm no never happened. She says well I will check into it. I wait a couple of days and get no call back. So I called her again and she starts threatening me with them locking me out of the house in 3 days and I did not cooperate and I said no one has ever called me and even if they lost my phone numbers the very clearly have my address. Well, I am not going to believe you I am going to believe them, I was told.

So I call the sheriffs department and am told that they can find not information on it. So I take the papers in and the sheriff looks them over and say these are not real. Freddie Mac sent me papers that had not been filled to try to scare me out of the house. See they bought the house back for 90,000 at the sheriffs auction. The house is only worth about 59,900 and I figure once they found that out they decided to put not another penny they did not have to into it.

Okay so after all of that, Monday I get actually filed paper work. I will be homeless as of Monday. Just a little over a year ago I had a home, a husband, and happier children.

Now I am divorced, my kids have to hear I don't know alot, and their dad is living his happy little life, and even in desperation I can not send them there to live for a bit, as I mentioned he can not have the kids where he is living, not that I want either of them raising my children. I had to sit in a court room Monday and hear this man and his lawyer give excuses why he could not take care of his children. He does not have enough money, he can't have them where he lives, he is remarried ...blah blah blah..... So after this weekend I do not know where we are going. We have no home to go to.

I have often wondered about how people have ended up homeless and now I know. It seems easy to just say get a job and find a house. I HAVE a job and am looking at having no where to go. I worry about ending up in my car. And it becomes a downward spiral. How do I work with my kids having no where to be? So if it is warm, my oldest 3 could take the kids to the park, but everyday? I mean it is only a block from where I work and then what?? It can't go on forever. So we can move around and camp, but if I do not stay near my job then I end up with no job and then what? You have to have an address for things to get to you. SIGH

SO many concerns. I need to get busy. We are moving things into storage now. I trust that God has an answer. I guess sometimes my concern is that I know God wants the best for my kids and me, but does he not want the best for all of those others who end up homeless and in their cars? I watched the movie The Pursuit of Happiness when it came out and cried for that man and his son.... I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I could be looking at that for myself and my children.

Trusting in God
Be Blessed

Friday, February 26, 2010

Life hmmmm

Well I just kinda realized that my blog name is kind of deceiving... my life in Kansas has not been very life like lately. I am hoping that soon once things even out I can get back to posting like I used to before my whole life to a nose dive, more interesting stories and some good pictures. Ahh but who knows only God knows what He has planned. Lately I am just along for the ride and just when it seems like it is getting higher up and maybe above the valleys for a bit, it seems to come crashing back down. I know that my life may be like that for awhile. I can hardly expect the love for someone for 20 years to disappear overnight or even in a year, which is how long I have been going through this. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself wishing he would just stay away in California where he is with his new wife and family. But with continued talks of him moving back here with them it makes me feel like being ill. I am praying for strength, courage and also a decent attitude. Lord help me....

MMMMMMM Strawberries

One of our CNA's at work had a birthday yesterday. She is one of the teenagers that work there. So I decided to take in a cake for her birthday. It turned out very delicious. MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Happy Valentines Day

While I am no longer married to my Tony.. I am reposting this as I often need a reminder that while I do not have the love of my husband and friend anymore...
More importantly I am blessed with the never ending most complete and true love there is the love of my heavenly Father.


Today is Valentines Day and what do we think of when we think of Valentines Day? Candy maybe, flowers, cards perhaps, jewelry, and of course Love. There are many different kinds of love. For instance there is the love we have for our first huggy toy or blankie, that our parents probably wish they could toss out. Something we never even wanted washed. For us at that point it was a true and everlasting love.

We of course have the love for our pets. A kitty or puppy for some perhaps a lizard or even birds for others. Although personally I do like my pets fuzzy. And of course our love was returned unashamedly and unreservedly by our pets. Isn't that a wonderful love.

Then we often stumbled into puppy love. Awwwww. The love we often have for a childhood friend. Perhaps the person was your best friend or maybe even someone you never ever talked to. Maybe this other person loved you right back. Puppy love can hang on for a long time. Some of these "puppy" loves can last a lifetime. Through all the school years until the can marry and hopefully live happily ever after.

Of course then we grow up, or so we think and we fall in love in high school. This can be so dramatic. I met the young man I dated through high school at church. We hung around for awhile giving each other all of those mushy looks kids can give each other. Kinda hinted around through others that we liked each other. And finally at a Family Church Camp, we were sitting by each other and the preacher said he wanted everyone to hold each others hand for prayer.

Well he took my hand and long story short we dated through high school and then married and had 6 kids. I am so thankful for my husband and love him alot. So now we have the until death do us part love which is strong, compelling, even overwhelming at times. The belonging to and with another person, that's a big thing, and exciting thing a frustrating thing, and then an eventually, sad thing either due to a divorce or the until death do us part stuff comes along.

Okay going on then you have the love for your babies, sigh.... I will never forget the first time I saw my babies sweet little round faces. The sudden and complete falling in love with a little scrap of a person! I never wanted to put them down. I cuddled them all next to me all night until they slept through the night on their own. This is another love that is exciting and often frustrating. As babies become independent toddlers and then go off to school and then become teenagers that all of a sudden know everything and we as parents suddenly become some of the dumbest people on the planet!

We also have the love for our family that is important and changes as we grow. Our parents are everything when we are babies. We do become less dependent on them as we grow, but love them none the less. Now the love for our siblings that is another tough love. Sometimes it does not feel much like love but more like well let's just say extreme dislike. Perhaps your sister kept taking your clothes, or maybe you were kind of mean and teased your sister alot about everything. This doesn't mean we don't love them, just that were kids. We love our aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents all of who supply us with love. Large games of hid and seek with all the cousins, grandmas hot homemade rolls, the time just spent together because you love each other. What a blessing love for and from our family is.

As we have grown up we find friends along the way. Special friends who can help cheer you up when you need it and who need you to do the same when they have a down day. To have a friend to love you and one to love back is a special thing indeed. To have someone who will put up with you when you can't even put up with yourself, that is an awesome love. I believe God put those special friends there because he knew we needed each other.

As wonderful as all these loves are there is a love that has no comparison. God's love. God's love will never die. He never decides, well Amy did not come to church today so I am not going to care about her anymore. God wants the best for us and loves us so much that he sent his own and only son to die for us. So that we would not have to pay the wages of sin ourselves. A firey burning pit in hell. That's how much he loves us. I know I could never do that. I love you all, but I could not sacrifice my son, my child for you. Sacrifice myself, maybe....

God's love is everlasting. Kids grow up and move away, not that they don't love you but they aren't there everyday to say it. Friends often leave, families get busy, husband or wives may divorce or eventually pass away, but God's love is here forever. No matter how mad at the world we get, or even if we have managed to make the whole rest of the world mad at us, God will love us. No matter what we do we can't make him hate us. He may hate what we do, but he will love us forever. His arms will always be there. We just have to let him carry us.

So even if you did not get a dozen roses, a thousand pounds of candy, diamond jewelry, or even if you are alone and think no one cares, you are indeed loved. You are blessed enough to have the best, most awesome, complete, never failing, will never leave you nor forsake you, beyond death, love that you can imagine. The most important love of all, God's Love!!!

Happy Valentines Day.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I've cut my hair again and even shorter

The funny thing about my life now is I am trying new things that would not have happened if you know who had been here. He liked my hair to be long really long, LOL... And while I was fine with that and tried to honor that cheerfully. I felt so frumpy always....I could not do anything with it when it was long except a ponytail, bun, or braid. I would go to ladies things and look around at all the women with pretty hair and feel so ugly. I LOVE my hair right now. I am grateful to be able to make choices that make me feel pretty and young not old and frumpy.