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Hi, I am me... I am a mom with a great sense of humor, a kind heart, a giving spirit, a desire to please, and enough strength to keep on going even when life knocks me down... I am me... : )

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Loss in Divorce

You know when I first found out that my husband planned to leave me, I was in shock, astounded that this person I have loved, yes through many hard times although there were good, is leaving. The heartbreak of this was so overwhelming that I just kinda narrowed my focus down to this one aspect, I am losing my husband. The man I had shared over 20 years with. The man who really even through the struggles, was my best friend in many ways, we had alot of good times.

Talking at night while laying in bed and laughing over the silliest things, the movies we just laughed over so hard that we would rewind some parts a few times, just to laugh some more. Or when we took the kids to the state fair and they wanted to go into the fun house and the first part you could see as they tried to walk through the hall of mirrors and kept crashing, we almost were rolling on the ground with that.

Or when we started "dating" up at family camp and we were hanging out together and we went walking on the landing strip, and then heard a group of little old ladies coming and though hey maybe we should hide, yeah that always looks better, hiding, LOL. Anyway so we duck behind some trees, and for some reason my Tony decides to throw a huge rock over the cliff as he tossed it he ummmmm how to say it, passed gas loud enough to echo off the surrounding mountains, LOL.....ahahahahah I was having a hard enough time not laughing then he asks "Ummm you didn't hear that did you"? LOL Oh my gosh I said No and started laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. We had alot of funny times. I miss those

Or that more tender moments the birth of our children, the warm hugs and understanding when I lost an uncle, the compassion when I lost a friend, or those many moments that married couples have. The closeness of having your husband there at night warm your toes, LOL. Or knowing you can just reach out to him and he will be there beside you to catch his hand when you need to feel secure. The strength of his arms when I was worried.

Then the worries and concern over my children. Will they be okay, how am I going to support them, I have been a mostly stay at home mom for 18 years. Will they be as miserable as I am, or will they do okay. These eventually turned into, I hope and pray my kiddos do okay at school since I can no longer home school. To worries of I hope they are okay all day long without me being here.

These things overwhelmed me so much that I even missed other painful aspects of this loss. I am losing family and friends. Not just my husband. The band is no longer speaking to me and has removed me as friends on various sites. These men and their families were my friends too, at least that is how I thought of them. I MISS these relationships. I miss being one of the group. Also, I am missing my sister in laws and brother in laws as well as my nieces and nephews and my mother and father in law, and while I can still see pictures and stuff and send cards for birthdays, I will never again be part of the family, especially as I am replaced. The heartbreak in this is amazing. I am unsure some days on how on earth I can live with this continuing pain and loss.

I miss them all so much.

I know that God has a plan for me and that some day all the sharpness of this pain will fade, (I hope) and that I will be able to go through a day without crying. God never intended for it to be this way. When your family, your family!!!

Sadly but not without hope

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