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Hi, I am me... I am a mom with a great sense of humor, a kind heart, a giving spirit, a desire to please, and enough strength to keep on going even when life knocks me down... I am me... : )

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A direction in life I do not want to take.

I have not posted much over the last few months as my life has been in turmoil. My husband of over 17 years has decided he no longer wants to be married. We have had a rough marriage I do not deny that, however we have finally begun going to a church where there is the help we need and the tools to head in the right direction. With hope in site, he decided to quit. At our previous church the Pastor decided coaching basketball was more important then doing our counseling. He quit and never even asked again how things were.

I have been struggling alot with fear, panic, hurt, sadness, anger, and so many other things. My children are also struggling with all of these things as you can well imagine I am sure. I am now working a full time job for the first time in ever. My youngest two, who are almost 6 and 7, have never been away from me much at all and now this is added to the fact that their daddy moved out.

Along with all of that, I have had some health concerns which praise God, just turned out to be stress, thought I was having a heart attack, spent time in the ER, had echo cardiogram run, and lots of blood work. All came back pretty much normal, yeah!! Praise God again. Still have some other tests run for a few other issues, and just yesterday found out I have a large bone spur on my spine. It is putting alot of pressure on some nerves, I am dealing with alot of pain, alot of the time, the chiropractor is helping me work at keeping those muscles relaxed and things where they should be as much as possible. Hopefully we will see and improvement, if this does not work then surgery becomes something to look at. SIGH.....

And then for some reason unknown to me someone wants to get into my suburban. Someone has tried at least 3 times and now one of the doors on the back no longer opens. I am not sure how much that will cost to fix, but at this point it really does not matter as I have no money.

Then I find out my husband qualifies for free legal aid, and I do NOT. He is living free with someone, and I have all the kids and bills and do not qualify. This makes no sense to me. He can just chose to move out and file for divorce and it's free, I have no choice but to respond and I can get no help at all, BUT wait...... I can make payments to them and after I pay it all off then within 6 weeks, I will get a lawyer appointed to me. 6 WEEKS??????? The whole thing could be over by then. I just don't get this. So I had to borrow 1200 to pay for a lawyer so now I will be unable to put new tires on my suburban which I needed a year ago.

But wait there is more......

The house I live in, the one we were supposed to be buying from someone who went to our previous church, the one who just pocketed our 740 a month, has finally been repoed, so now I have 3 months to either move..... which is a laugh... no one wants to rent to someone with 6 kids, someone who is recently divorced, has no long term employment history, etc.... OR try to talk the bank into working with me some how. We shall see what we shall see.

And then I guess the other thing that is bothering me right now is it seems there is no one, besides our pastor, not a single friend of his, not even his band, a christian band who is willing to hold him accountable and say NO this is not right. Most people in our church do not know us yet nor do they know the situation. I have heard from him that people, CHRISTIAN people, have said well hey you stuck it out longer then anyone else would, you deserve to be happy...... Well you know what I do want him happy, but we need to let God fill those places not count on someone else to do it.

Now before you think all is lost.... there are some good things going on.

I have been truly blessed in my job, during a day when I was falling apart, the CEO and the administrator, took the time to talk to me, to encourage me and to even pray with me and hug on me. Both of these ladies are fantastic. I have been so blessed. The job is going well. And I have finally been able to make some changes in my home that were needed.

There has also been tremendous spiritual growth, thank you God. It has been encouraging to here people say that you can tell I am a christian woman because of my actions, or someone else say there is just something different about you. It is all due to God. I have finally been able to let go of alot I needed to let go of and he has done some astounding work in me. I am amazed by everything I have learned at the new church. I can see the growth. I was stunted for so many years. I went no where. I was busy trying to give myself direction, when I did not even have a map. I was frustrated about how long it took, like all my life, but have some to accept it is all in Gods timing. I have also come to understand that many of these changes that He has made in me would not have been possible with Tony here.

I would have been very content to be where I was. Up until about a week ago, I would have said that no matter what I want Tony here. I want him to come home right now. But due to growth and my eyes being opened. I do not want what we had. And my husband is not there yet. I am still praying for him, but I do not want him no matter what the cost anymore. DO NOT GET ME WRONG, I do not want a divorce. I want my children to have both of their parents at home at night. But I also realized that I want more for my kids, I want more for my marriage, I want more for my husband. I want us to be RIGHT with God not just here no matter what anymore.

I think this is enough for now. I have no intention of defaming my husband so saying much more might head that way. Just know that I so appreciate all of your prayers and your good thoughts. I do know that no matter what God has plans to bless me and my children, I just need to keep doing what I need to do. God is good.

Amy Ellen


Prairie Chick said...

Oh, Amy Ellen. Such tears and angst in my heart for all that you are going through. But at the same time I am so proud of you for what you said at the end. God will honor your heart that above all wants HIS best. I will be pouring out my heart in intercession for you and Tony and your family.

frolicnfibers said...

Bless you. I hope all gets better for you and your family. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Dear Sister in the Lord, You do not know me. I found your blog off of Mommylife awhile back. I am also from Kansas. Please know that I am praying for you and your dear children during this time. I will also be praying that God will open the eyes of your husband to see his gross sin, and he will repent. You are to be praised for your gracious speech in a time that it would be easy lash out. God will honor your faithfulness. I will be praying from Kansas City. Becky

kaire said...

It`s so sad to hear that. But I will pray for you....

Kelly Spezzano said...

Amy Ellen, I am so sorry! I haven't been keeping up with reading blogs lately, and I just read what you are going through! You and your family will be in my prayers and I am so thankful to hear that you are finding your strength in the Lord! He is the only one who can bring you peace and comfort during these trials you are facing! Many Hugs being sent your way!

Mama-in-training said...

You are an amazing mommy and sister. I love you. Lily and I still pray for you and Tony every night before bed. I LOVE YOU.